


Open Your Eyes

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullying, Depression, Dorky Teenage Boys, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, Homophobic Slurs, JeanAnnie, M/M, Mild Language, Outcast!Marco, Papa Roach - Freeform, Popular!Jean, Reibert - Freeform, Science Projects, Self Harm, Smut, Snow Patrol, Trapped in the Closet, jeanmarco, my chemical romance - Freeform, track, yumikuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 17:06:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1655984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco Bodt has a hopeless crush on Jean Kirstein, a popular kid who is the leading cross country and track student, who's friends are homophobic assholes that make Marco's life a living hell. Sometimes he just wants to die for being this much of a loser, but is his crush really as hopeless as he thought?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Open Your Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Marco has an obsession with Jean's eyes.

The anger swells in my guts  
and I won’t feel these slices and cuts  
I want so much to open your eyes  
‘Cause I need you to look into mine  
Tell me that you’ll open your eyes  
~Snow Patrol

 **Chapter 1: His golden Irises**  
His pure black pupils surrounded by his ravishing golden irises, an illuminating brown. Thinking, just wondering what it would be like to see those entrancing eyes up close. To be able to read them, unlock all the secrets hidden beneath them. To know them. To be able to gaze into them as they look back into mine. To drown in his golden pools.

If only I could, just look at them, really look at them. Then i’d know, I’d really know, if he was truly what I put him out to be. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and I want to look into his. I know I’m being kind of obsessive and probably creepy but, I can’t help myself. I mean when a crush lasts for almost four years, you kind of go insane. Especially when you’ve never made complete eye contact, which bothers the living hell out of me. I’ve never got to really look at him. I mean, I’ve talked to him, but I’ve never made complete eye contact. All I ever got was short glances at his eyes, the golden irises. What most people would just describe as a light brown, I saw as a pure golden color that for some reason fascinated me. It wasn’t just his eyes though, it was the way he walked, the way he would always speak his mind and not feel nervous, it was the way he showed his confidence in every word he spoke even when he was called out on something. It was everything that I saw in him when I walked by him everyday in the hallway, laughing with his friends, while I stared just a little to long. It was his overall style, the way he somehow wore t-shirts with all the bands I liked on them. It was the way his two-toned haircut, blond on top and brown underneath, matched his golden-brown irises. It was just a fascination that lasted a little too long, one that he had never noticed, or at least one I had no knowledge of him ever finding out.

I wanted to talk to him again, but me being the freak I am, I had no excuse to talk to him. Except for the few times we got chosen to do a project together, which the last time that happened was almost a year ago. Even then, I never got to really look at him. I know all this seems stupid, but it means the world to me. He was the first and only crush I ever had. I wanted so much more.

I knew I couldn’t have him though, I was a supposed “Freak” and Jean, well he was popular. He had friends, ones that talked to him during school and after school, when the only person I ever talked to was a kid in my Biology class. Even then, we didn’t hang out after class, are friendship stayed confined in that one classroom. Armin, the kid from my Biology class, had friends of his own to hang out with, while I didn’t. I would walk the school hallways alone, occasionally having the company of one of my bullies, either being Reiner Braun, a blond headed boy with big muscles, Thomas Wagner, another blondie that somehow looked more queer than me, or the occasional Annie Leonhart, a short blondie who always wore a bored expression. All of which were friends of Jean.

The best part though was when I’d go home and no one would be there. Not that I can blame my mother for that, she had to work. Being a single mom, my father dying at my young age of three, she had to work almost every day a week for almost twelve hours a day. It wasn’t the best life but it was mine. I could only hope I make an actual friend soon. Maybe I can try and find the courage to talk to Jean again, or anyone for that matter.

It was then I remembered my moms words “If you don’t talk to anyone, you’ll never make any friends”. I sighed. I knew she was right, I never talked to anyone besides Armin, and even then, he was the first one to talk to me. If only I had the courage to talk to anyone, even my bullies. I never stand up for myself. I always think of good comebacks but I never say any of them.

Speaking of bullies, Annie Leonhart is coming straight my way, her sweaty boyfriend, Bertholdt in tow. “Hey faggot” She says as she knocks my books down again, for about the billionth time this week. I hurriedly pick up my books, trying to save all the ones I can before the other kids kick them out of the way.

I eventually pick up all of books, some being a little crumpled or dirty from the constant shoving and kicking. I managed though, It had been worse before. I might even make it to class on time today. I have two minutes, but thats more then normal, most of the time I had less than a minute and Mr.Ackerman usually wasn’t so lenient on tardies.

I ran to my class, and made it a second before the bell rang. As soon as I walked in Mr.Ackerman stepped up and started talking right as I reached my seat, telling all the students to settle down and get into their seats. “Today we will be working on our group projects. I have randomly selected and paired you with another student in this class. I have put the ordered pairs up on the board and your assignment on the front table. If you have any questions, I’ll be at my desk.” Mr.Ackerman said, giving us a final glare before sitting back at his desk, mumbling a small “brats”. The students scattering up to the board to see who they were paired with, while I wait in the back, hoping I don’t get paired with Thomas Wagner. The kid who after reaching high school, started making my life living hell.

The main reason, I believe was his sudden friendship with Reiner. I didn’t even know the guy and he would come up to me and knock down my books, or slam me into the locker, muttering a small faggot.

He was also the perks to going to my first hour, Botany everyday. Jean was always with him in this class, laughing, smiling his bright toothy grin. Thomas always deciding to say some sort of slur about me.

It was actually a life saver when I wasn’t paired with Thomas Wagner, though you could say my partner was a lot worse. I was just waiting in the back for someone to come over and moan in agony that the “freak” and “faggot” was their partner. Instead though, I got Jean Kirstein, who didn’t moan in agony or call me a faggot right off the bat. He just walked up to me like I was a normal person and told me we were partners. No snickers or harsh words, just a gentle voice with the same smirk he gave everyone.

I looked at him fully this time, having his complete eye contact, noticing now that his golden irises were so much darker in person. I don’t know why, but I liked them better now, the gold seemed to give off this almost illuminated dark color. It was fascinating, I felt like I was drowning in his eyes, completely lost in them. That if I stared into them long enough, I wouldn’t ever be able to stop looking into them.

I didn’t even realize I was staring until I saw his mouth moving, was he talking to me? I quickly got out of my daze, trying not to panic. “Sorry I was kind of out of it” I tell him, which he only chuckles to. “Its fine, I was just asking what you wanted to do our project on” “oh” I say, not really sure how to continue the conversation, what was the project supposed to be on? I tried to think but he only gave another chuckle, “We have to make a model landscape and write a paper about it.” He says bluntly. Ok, a landscape, mountains, flats, I tried to think but Jean was looking at me again and this conversation was overwhelming me a little bit. At this rate I may as well run out of the classroom like a maniac and disappear. It would be less anxieting.

I hear Jean chuckle again, and I don’t know if its at my lack of attention, or the fact that I’m probably completely red in the face. “Ok, clearly your not paying attention, how about a flat, yeah?”

All I can do is nod my head blankly, smiling just a little too big. Wow I really am a freak. He smiles, continuing to give me the god damn smirk that just makes me melt. “Alright let’s get started then” He says, gesturing to two open seats, which only made me blush even more. I’m such a hopeless loser, I think.

We get started on the project right away, deciding to start on the paper first and finish the model later. We split up the paper and got straight to work, not talking to each other anymore, which made me feel a little morose. I guess I shouldn’t have got my hopes up, we have to do a project together and that’s it, one where are partners were picked for us. I just get too excited, especially with Jean. I don’t really know what's wrong with me and why I seem to have a crush on this boy. I mean, he’s straight and popular. I’ve never really talked to him all that long either, plus his friends are the kids that make my life a living hell.

I’m really just a hopeless loser, I sigh again. Looking at the clock and then back at my paper, completely blank with two minutes left. Good going Bodt, what will Jean think of you now? Not only are you a faggot and a freak, but you're also a negligent slack.

“You done with your half yet?” Jean asks, looking over my shoulder at my paper, getting a little too close for comfort. My body started to heat up then, sweat trickling down my skin. My heart beat that was already fast enough from just sitting next to him quicking, feeling completely weak. I couldn't even answer him, I was too panicked. Thankfully he did it for me. Sighing he said, “I guess we have a little more work to do” He slumped in his seat and started to pack up his things, throwing his bag over his shoulder moments later. “Just do your work next time Bodt.” He said, walking out of the classroom.

As soon as he left, I quickly slumped back in my chair, no longer feeling so stiff. My heartbeat slowing down a bit as well as my body heat. Quickly putting my stuff in my bag, being the last person to leave the classroom.

I rushed to the rest of my classes like normal, almost being late to every single one, mainly thanks to Reiner Braun, who thought it would be funny to trip or kick me everytime he had the chance. I was really lucky I didn’t eat lunch the same time as him. Armin wasn’t in Biology today either, putting the cherry on top of a terrible day. First I made a fool out of myself in front of my crush, second I was almost tardy to every one of my classes because someone has it out to get me, and then the closest person I had to a friend wasn’t there. Typical luck of Marco Bodt.

At least I got to go home now, where I’ll be alone again. Sighing again, I walked out of the hell my mother called school and towards my house, passing by the track field as I do everyday. Seeing Jean running on the field with long strides, breathing heavily as the sweat trickled down his milky white skin. Determination locked on his face, his eyes shining there bright gold. The way he runs in such grace, so much better than me.

I’m being lame again but I can’t help in continuing to watch him, he’s just so memorizing. I wanted him than, sweaty, determination in his eyes, just so breath taking. I imagined him kissing me then, what it would be like to really talk to him, and to be with him. What it would be like to gaze in his golden irises all the time and have him think of me the way I think of him. Sometimes fantasies like that were the only thing that gave me hope. If it weren’t for the hope, I’d be long gone. As if anyone cared anyways.

I looked away than, not wanting to be accused of being a bigger creep than they already saw me as, starting to walk again, putting my earbuds in and taking in the words.

Would it be wrong, would it be right?  
If I took my life tonight,  
Chances are that I might  
Mutilation out of sight  
And I'm contemplating suicide

My reality slowly fades then, I forget I’m even walking, my mind completely devoted to concentrating on the lyrics.

'Cause I'm losing my sight, losing my mind  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine  
Losing my sight, losing my mind  
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

My mind continues to wander and I can I feel the urges again. I need to get home...my mind finally goes back to reality and I book it. I’m running and I probably look stupid to all passerbyes. I need it though, I tell myself. Jean....Jean.....I think. No one will be there. No one will be there to tell me I’m fine. My hand clenches to my stomach then, I feel the pain in my bones, and it aches. I need relief.

My legs move as fast as I can make them and I get home in minutes. I hastily put the key in the slot, twisting the knob as quickly as possible. I run in, right to my room and take out my razor blade. I put it to my skin, tears welling in my eyes, taking one slice. Feeling the sting as I produce each new cut, blood trickling down my arm and onto my thankfully red carpet. I whimper, looking at my arm, realizing what I did again. The tears falling more freely now, as I look at my blood. I run to the sink and immediately turn on the faucet, putting my arm underneath it. My arm stinging, clenching my teeth, watching the blood slowly run down the drain. The new cuts, fresh and open, crashing to the floor. I did it again, I did it again, I think.

I had been clean for so long, three weeks to be exact, why do I always hurt myself? I mean I wasn’t always like this. Actually if I was completely honest, I’d say I was a pretty happy child. Having friends and not constantly being bullied by any of the kids in school. It was going pretty well until 8th grade, when my friends left me and I was pronounced freak and faggot for life. I made a mistake, at a whole homophobic school I decided to tell my best friend, Bertholdt at the time, that I was gay. Which he responded by telling both Annie Leonhart and Reiner Braun. Who I may add were the most homophobic people I ever met.

The rest was history, Annie and Reiner started bullying me on a regular basis, Thomas Wagner starting as soon as I got into high school. Bertholdt leaving me because Annie was his girlfriend, and Reiner was his new best friend. Not making any friends whatsoever, only talking to Armin, a nice kid who probably isn’t mean to anyone, just starting this year, my eleventh year. Watching Jean fucking Kirstein everyday because I’m a stalker. So hopeless, my own mother not even paying attention to me when she’s home.

I sob, trying to fight my tears. I need bandages. I take all the courage I can muster then, and take out the box of bandaids from the cabinet. Taking a paper towel drying off my cuts, slowly, trying to make keep it from stinging again. I apply the bandaids and wrap up my arm, going straight for my bed. I fall down, looking at the clock. It’s only five o’clock in the afternoon but, I’m already so tired. I decide it’s best to take a nap, trying to keep my thoughts from swarming again, anything could trigger me at this point.

My mind wanders anyways but not about cutting, or suicide. I think of Jean, for about the millionth time today. About his golden irises that make me feel like I’m drowning, his smirk that puts chills down my spine, and his long legs running down the field, like he owns the track. It makes me feel dizzy and the butterflies are swarming through my stomach again. I feel it running through me, how much I like this boy, the one I can’t have.

The only thing I have is my imagination, I can only look, I can only dream, but never touch. Never know what it’s really like to be with him or anyone for that matter. It’s all just my life and I have to get used to it, but I’m not and I don’t think I ever will be. It’s just so nauseating knowing all of this. Sometimes I wish it would all end or at least get a little better. With that note, I stop. Drifting off to sleep, hope in both my heart and mind.  
-  
 _“You're so beautiful, Marco” Jean tells me before kissing another one of my freckles, continuing to kiss down my neck. Nibbling slightly, his mouth moving slowly as to savor the moment. My mouth curving into a smile as I hold my hand in his hair, rubbing my thumb gently at the base of his blond locks. “So are you” I whisper, unsure if he can hear me or not. It doesn’t matter though, because he’s nibbling harder now, licking slightly. I know I’m going to have a mark later, but I want him to much to say no. I just let him do as he pleases, watching him leave marks on my freckled skin. “MMnnnn....Not so hard” I grunt when Jean bites down to roughly. “I can’t help myself” He says, smiling at me, his golden irises shining. “You're just so darn cute” He shakes his head towards the ground and looks back at me, a smirk plastered on his face. I smile back, looking into his golden irises again, inching closer. Resting my forehead against his, watching his eyes close as I do the same. Moving even closer as he tilts his head to the right, my lips barely brushing his. My lips tingling as I lean forward and press our lips together. Moving slowly, letting Jean take the lead as I move my lips to the rhythm of his. Reaching out to caress his face between my hands, my thumb gently rubbing the side of his jaw. His tongue poking through my lips, begging for entrance, granting it just as fast as he does so. Our tongues swirling together, my breath hitching, losing myself in the moment as Jean puts his hands on my waist. Our kiss only developing, not leaving each others lips but for a brief moment before having our lips smack together again. My body burning from the sensation, my dick throbbing for release. His hands drifting down my waist to my pants buckle, pulling on the hem, breaking the kiss. Salvia keeping us together, my forehead still resting on his, lust overcoming me, pushing myself closer to him, breathing heavily against him. His body not moving, opening my eyes slowly, looking into his golden irises that are glowing even brighter than before. Sweat trickling down his forehead, panting, determination in his eyes like he was on the track. His eyes not leaving mine as he pulls his shirt slickly off his body, revealing his bare abdomen, a visible six pack forming. I look in awe, waiting for him to make the next move, watching as he fades away. My Alarm ringing.._

Wait, alarm? I jolt awake than, groaning, realizing it was just another dream, feeling the cum leaking in my pants. Putting my pillow over my head, trying to block out the sound. Not now. Please not now. I try to focus back on the dream, but my alarm is too loud to think. I turn the alarm off and groan into my pillow, looking at the clock, 6:00 am. I slept for almost twelve hours, not to mention I ate nothing since lunch yesterday. My stomach aching for food, telling me to get up.

I groan again, and finally sit up. My body aching from not only my lack of food, but my lack of movement. I decide to eat than and take a shower later. My body seriously needing some nutrients.

I go downstairs pouring myself a huge bowl of cheerios, digging in as soon as I pour the milk in. My body aching, debating whether I should go to school or not. I mean tommorow, I’d have more work to do but, if I stay home, I don’t have to deal with people. My mind is debating, but my body is moving. I’m already in the shower, and if I don’t go to school today, I’ll be giving Jean more work to do in Botany.

I sigh and take my bandages off, letting the water rinse all the filth and dried blood off my body. The water stinging my cuts, my body still aching, trying not to think. Just moving, rubbing the shampoo over my body, trying to not to think of the stinging, the infuriating pain the rushing water inflicts on my arm.

I’m going to need more bandages, and another long sleeve shirt to wear. I sigh, knowing the agenda for this weeks shopping, something I’ve always had the pleasure of doing. My mom never having enough time for shopping, sometimes I didn’t see her for weeks. It was all just so complicated with her. Not knowing if she would make it for Christmas or my birthday. Sometimes I debate whether she loves me or not. It doesn’t matter though, she isn’t here and I have to go to school, do everything myself.

I quickly turn off the shower then, grabbing a fresh towel off the rack and wrapping it around my waist. Walking to my dresser, taking out an My Chemical Romance hoodie, complemented with black skinny jeans, an Escape the Fate t-shirt, and black sneakers. Putting them on quickly. Glancing at the clock, 7:00 am. Late.

I swear under my breath, and run downstairs, grabbing my cellphone. Going straight out the door, practically running all the way to school. Making it unexpectedly, early. Having nearly five minutes before first period instead of two or three.

Smiling to myself I stop at my locker, shoving my possessions inside it. Slining my backpack over my shoulder and walking towards my first class, Botany.

Almost making it to class without losing my cheerful, upbringing mood. Almost.

While in the hallway, nearing so close to Botany, Reiner trips me again, for the billionth time in the course of two days. “Hey fag.” He says, slurring on the word “fag” as if it was the worst thing I could possibly be. “Nice get-up, fucking emo.” He continues, looking at me from the ground, snickering. Looking up, he speaks up again. “Better hurry up loser, or you’ll be late to see your boyfriend” He chuckles, and before I can even process what he meant by boyfriend, he was gone.

It doesn’t hit me until I’m in class and I see Jean. Reiner was talking about Jean. Oh my god, did he see me staring? Does Jean know? I have a million questions in my head, but I have no time for it. Jean is sitting there on his laptop already working on finishing his half of the project, while I haven’t done anything at all.

I walk over to the desk next to him and sit down. He looks at me almost immediately then, a smirk still plastered on his smug face. “I finished my part of the paper” He says, almost to confidently for such an achievement. “We have two more work days in class, are you ready to start the model?” He continues, his smirk becoming more of a gentle smile. My heart stammering in my chest. My eyes transfixed in his. Golden, golden, golden.

I let go of my gaze than, trying to find the words to say. “Uhhhhhhh.” I stammer, my body heating up. Trying to form actually words, but my lips failing to move. He chuckles, “Obviously not. Alright, I’ll work on the other part of the paper. You start working on the model.” I look at him, comprehending what he said, trying to form words again.“You don’t have to” I say, not wanting him to do extra work. “It’s okay. I do most of the work in groups anyways” He shrugs, looking at me again, his gaze going down to my chest. “Nice shirt” He says, “My Chemical Romance is the best.”

I smile, wide, probably looking creepy. “thanks” I say, wanting to continue the conversation, but not sure how to. Luckily he continues it, “What’s your favorite song by them?” He asks, my grin only growing wider. “Easy, House of Wolves.” I say, grinning from ear to ear. Looking at me he chuckles, “Personally I would have said the Black Parade, but whatever.” I snort, “That’s so cliche” “How is that cliche?” He says, my smile only growing bigger, as if it could get any wider. “That is everyone’s favorite” I say, exaggerating a little too much. “Well, that’s because it’s the best” He says, mocking my voice. “Believe what you want” I say, looking away, still grinning. “Whatever, what other bands do you like?” He says, still looking at me with his god damn smirk. “Ummmm” I say, moving my head to face him again, my words stammering again. “Well, I like Muse, uhhhh.” I try and think, but looking at him was overwhelming, so i decide to look away and continue. “I also like Brand New, Three Days Grace, Bring me the Horizon, uhhh” I stop there, unsure to go on, looking at him. A smirk still plastered on his smug face. “Dude, I like all those bands.” He says, gently punching me in the arm, “You have great taste in music, Marco” He continues, looking at me straight in my brown pools with his golden ones, my eyes transfixed in his. “Yah, you too” I whisper, my gaze not leaving his. He stares at me, leaning forward slightly, and then, “Jean, are you coming?” I hear someone say, Thomas Wagner to be exact.

Jean looks up at Thomas and back to the clock. “Oh” He says, getting up slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “Well, see you later, Marco” He says to me, not even looking me as he does so, running out of the room with Thomas. My eyes still looking at the door. “Class is over.” Mr.Ackerman says, looking at me with his scowl that almost made me jump. “Uh, yah. Sorry Mr.Ackerman.” I say, quickly shoving my contents in my bag. Running out of the classroom to my next hour, trying not to think of Jean Kirstein and his golden irises.

**Author's Note:**

> I want to start off with saying I'm sorry for the fast pace, I normally write drabbles. I will be updating soon, if you have any criticism, good or bad, I'd appreciate some comments. ^-^


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